I haven't written in a while. It's funny how I look back at my blogs, they seem so melodramatic and sad. I only wrote when I was sad and needed an outlet to express my feelings but I want that to change.

Now, I'm in a much better place emotionally and physically. The best thing I did was tell her how I felt. I felt amazing immediately afterward. It was hard not having her in my life. But I took all those emotions and focus from her and put it back onto myself. I just decided to be selfish and take care of myself....it has been amazing for me so far.

I've stopped smoking pot every day, started working out, lost 10 lbs (and hopefully 5 more), stopped drinking every day, got transitioned to another job at work AND got a raise, I'm moving in with my best friend, and I'm quitting smoking June 29th.

I feel good about my life. I really do, and I think that people sometimes put too much stock in others and tend to lose themselves in other people. The best thing I did was to cut the drama out and focus on my self.

I've felt fabulous ever since. I'm glad I got to post about something happy for once!!

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

i created a portrait of you that can never be realized. the woman i envisioned you to be never existed. you manipulated my perception of you by only sharing parts of yourself. you're an enigma, giving away portions of your life in stories to others, pieces of a puzzle that can never be put together. no one could ever possibly know all of you.

i'm embarrased that i ever imagined i knew you. and that i fell in love with who i made you out to be. you're more manipulative and selfish than i expected. worse, your sincereity made me doubt my own intuition. my gut feeling that what you were speaking were lies but your look and tone made me want to believe it was the truth.

i thought i would lean on you till i had the strength to support myself. i thought i would be the one using you until i found something more desirable.

but the user became the used and i have found myself the butt of my own sick selfish joke. this is why i am not sad. this is why i don't think i'm in the posistion to judge.

i wish my heart would stop hurting. i wish i would stop yearning for a woman who, apparently never existed. i wish i could see you for who you are and not who I thought you were.