All I want for christmas is to fall out of love with you

We're going out tonight and I'm terrified. I love you and I love being in your life but being with you and your new girl makes me just, fall a part in side...my head doesn't know why because my head knows this is the way it should be this is right, you two are perfect for eachother. my head is so happy for you my reasoning tells me you two will be so good together she is beautiful and sweet and you're ....well you're just amazing.

but my heart just aches and hurts so much sometimes i cannot even breathe and the room gets so hot and i just have to get up and leave. i wish my heart didn't hurt so much. even when i say i'm happy for you i almost start to cry.... i have tears in my eyes every time we talk about you and her.

this is possibly the hardest thing i've ever done in my life. i abosultely love you. i love talking to you every day i love hearing your voice and your laugh and seeing your smile and just...you. i think you are so beautufiul and wonderful

but i don' tknow if you can be mine. i dont think you'll ever love me as much as I would want you to and I don't think i'd ever be able to make u happy no matter how hard I woudl try i would alway sthink that you caould find someone better and my heart will ache anyways...

I want to be okay that you want her. tonight you told me that you'd rather have me in your life as a friend because we are so close and so good together as friends and hat you'd rather have that then try to date and then we wouldn't be together....

i agree. i would hate for us to date, have it no work out, and then have you not in my life. but....i don't know though if i can live just thinking it wouldn't work and knowing we didnt't try.

I wish I would've asked you why you think it wouldn' work out if we did date. I'm scared of your answer. i'm scared of seeming desparate.

Ironically, I think I asked you this question almost exactly a year ago. You said, 'oh i guess i thought you felt the same way'.

I love you. I'm in love with you. And I wish I didn't.

All I want for Christmas is to fall out of love.

My PostSecret...

I'm happy that our friendship has gotten closer but, every time I see you smile when I mention her name my heart breaks a little more.

Burn....

From:Br*** Joh****

Sorry i havent called. Im no going to chicago this weekend.

11:06A Fri Nove21

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I was supposed to take this girl out on a date tonight in the city. Ouch.

in love with rachel maddow

So, I have to admit it...I have a crush on Rachel Maddow. In case you do not know who she is her political blog from AirAmerica is http://www.rachelmaddow.com/

Normally, I'm not into butch lesbians. But her smile and her hair and her eyes, awe I want her so bad! Never before has watching and hearing about politics been more fun! haha Even though I am a little bit politic, I've never been one to get too much into the individual pundits' shows. Until I met Rachel. We met one evening when I got home from work and she starting speaking to me about the economy, why mccain's sliding in the polls, and bizzare things that when on in the news that day....

ah.

pleasant suprise...

let me preface this story by first stating that i don't remember that last time i danced sober. how sad it that? it reminds me of the Sex and the City episode when Carry is dating an alcoholic who had never had sex sober. some activites are just not the same and dancing is one of them.

so, this lady called me up on an unventful tuesday while i was cruising the jewel terrain hunting for the items on my long long 'to buy' list. soon enough, friday i went to my first (and probably only) "coming out ball". it reminded me of a high school dance as mostly everyone were in their teens and no alcohol was there. maybe i would've been more into hitting on her if i was drunk but perhaps it was better. i was so nervous i hadn't seen this girl in months and not been physical with her in about a year when we made out in my kitchen while everyone else went to go smoke pot in my bathroom.

but when i saw her she was just as cute as ever. quite a bit shorter than me and short cropped hair. i'm not one used to being the taller one but i automatically felt more bold as soon as we started dancing. we looked at eachother nervously at first but then slowly moved closer...closer together. the advantage i found of being taller was the ulminited and unobustructed view i got of her breasts as we were moving along to the music together. i got there an hour and a half late and only danced a little but thank god i didn't think i could handle a whole performance. but the snipits of time was enough to send my body roaring and i had to stop my hads from wandering. good thing she didn't wear that mini skirt...

i looked around at times but her eyes kept transfixed on me. even though i was caught up in the moment i couldn't stop thinking of the one my heart really is for and wondering if this is what it's like for her to dance with me. at times when i felt particulary bold i would brush my lips against her neck and one point we were so close i wanted to taste her but then was not the time.

i found myself tounge-tied all evening and was disappointed to see her heading towards her friend's car instead of mine and with a quick quip about how i wish she was coming home with me we departed ways our cars headed towards very opposite directions.

the sweet moments on the floor played back in my mind as i crawled into the abyss of my bed alone and very much wanting my heart by my side...

naughty naughty...

damn you lj it's almost 930 and i still have laundry to do before work in the morning. i've gotten in a nasty habit of running late. my sister even commented last weekend when we went out that i've been habitually late recently. i just have so many things running through my head. moving, work, my sister's not well and i'm popping into the chicago gay scene recently. oh friday was i was so bad i made out with a girl at the club. i haven't done that in so long but it was sweet retaliation against my jealousy...i want her so bad but she goes up to another girl and i just wanted to get a taste of something new. same thing same crush for over a year now you think i would be over it. but that kiss was so reminiscent of a previous first kiss but this one will def. not turn into an encore. it was a solo performance done by yours truly which was fun and def. distracted me. but when all was said and done i just ended up in the same place.

jealousy..i hate it. it's such an ugly emotion. and she was just another place to project my frustraions onto. but oh that kiss reminded me of a time that feels so long ago but this time i did not feel wonderful afterwards...what happened to that jessica girl where did she go and what did she become?

today we talked and i told her she was wonderful and she said i was wonderful too and for a moment i hoped but then it quickly faded away...