Saturday, May 30, 2009

I haven't written in a while. It's funny how I look back at my blogs, they seem so melodramatic and sad. I only wrote when I was sad and needed an outlet to express my feelings but I want that to change.

Now, I'm in a much better place emotionally and physically. The best thing I did was tell her how I felt. I felt amazing immediately afterward. It was hard not having her in my life. But I took all those emotions and focus from her and put it back onto myself. I just decided to be selfish and take care of myself....it has been amazing for me so far.

I've stopped smoking pot every day, started working out, lost 10 lbs (and hopefully 5 more), stopped drinking every day, got transitioned to another job at work AND got a raise, I'm moving in with my best friend, and I'm quitting smoking June 29th.

I feel good about my life. I really do, and I think that people sometimes put too much stock in others and tend to lose themselves in other people. The best thing I did was to cut the drama out and focus on my self.

I've felt fabulous ever since. I'm glad I got to post about something happy for once!!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

i created a portrait of you that can never be realized. the woman i envisioned you to be never existed. you manipulated my perception of you by only sharing parts of yourself. you're an enigma, giving away portions of your life in stories to others, pieces of a puzzle that can never be put together. no one could ever possibly know all of you.

i'm embarrased that i ever imagined i knew you. and that i fell in love with who i made you out to be. you're more manipulative and selfish than i expected. worse, your sincereity made me doubt my own intuition. my gut feeling that what you were speaking were lies but your look and tone made me want to believe it was the truth.

i thought i would lean on you till i had the strength to support myself. i thought i would be the one using you until i found something more desirable.

but the user became the used and i have found myself the butt of my own sick selfish joke. this is why i am not sad. this is why i don't think i'm in the posistion to judge.

i wish my heart would stop hurting. i wish i would stop yearning for a woman who, apparently never existed. i wish i could see you for who you are and not who I thought you were.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

All I want for christmas is to fall out of love with you

We're going out tonight and I'm terrified. I love you and I love being in your life but being with you and your new girl makes me just, fall a part in side...my head doesn't know why because my head knows this is the way it should be this is right, you two are perfect for eachother. my head is so happy for you my reasoning tells me you two will be so good together she is beautiful and sweet and you're ....well you're just amazing.

but my heart just aches and hurts so much sometimes i cannot even breathe and the room gets so hot and i just have to get up and leave. i wish my heart didn't hurt so much. even when i say i'm happy for you i almost start to cry.... i have tears in my eyes every time we talk about you and her.

this is possibly the hardest thing i've ever done in my life. i abosultely love you. i love talking to you every day i love hearing your voice and your laugh and seeing your smile and just...you. i think you are so beautufiul and wonderful

but i don' tknow if you can be mine. i dont think you'll ever love me as much as I would want you to and I don't think i'd ever be able to make u happy no matter how hard I woudl try i would alway sthink that you caould find someone better and my heart will ache anyways...

I want to be okay that you want her. tonight you told me that you'd rather have me in your life as a friend because we are so close and so good together as friends and hat you'd rather have that then try to date and then we wouldn't be together....

i agree. i would hate for us to date, have it no work out, and then have you not in my life. but....i don't know though if i can live just thinking it wouldn't work and knowing we didnt't try.

I wish I would've asked you why you think it wouldn' work out if we did date. I'm scared of your answer. i'm scared of seeming desparate.

Ironically, I think I asked you this question almost exactly a year ago. You said, 'oh i guess i thought you felt the same way'.

I love you. I'm in love with you. And I wish I didn't.

All I want for Christmas is to fall out of love.

Friday, November 28, 2008

My PostSecret...

I'm happy that our friendship has gotten closer but, every time I see you smile when I mention her name my heart breaks a little more.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Burn....

From:Br*** Joh****

Sorry i havent called. Im no going to chicago this weekend.

11:06A Fri Nove21

----

I was supposed to take this girl out on a date tonight in the city. Ouch.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

in love with rachel maddow

So, I have to admit it...I have a crush on Rachel Maddow. In case you do not know who she is her political blog from AirAmerica is http://www.rachelmaddow.com/

Normally, I'm not into butch lesbians. But her smile and her hair and her eyes, awe I want her so bad! Never before has watching and hearing about politics been more fun! haha Even though I am a little bit politic, I've never been one to get too much into the individual pundits' shows. Until I met Rachel. We met one evening when I got home from work and she starting speaking to me about the economy, why mccain's sliding in the polls, and bizzare things that when on in the news that day....

ah.